


Kyoko's Melons

by imprimatur13



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Crack, Double Entendre, F/M, Flirting, Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-01-01 02:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12146310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imprimatur13/pseuds/imprimatur13
Summary: Ok, so I decided to abandon this project. I don't like the direction it went in, but I'll leave it up anyway, just because I think it does have *some* merit. So, I'll mark it as complete, but it will likely never receive a proper conclusion.





	1. The Cakekeeper

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, there is in fact NO WAY to have this be possible, vis-a-vis the anime's official timeline. So, just suspend your disbelief please :).

August, 1998

Dr. Kyoko Sohryu-Zeppelin sits at her desk, contemplating her new position at the organization, Gehirn.

  _I don’t know why I’m so worried; the recruiter couldn’t have been more open and forthcoming. I mean, why in the world would I ever pass this up? I’ve always wanted to work on something more interesting than just rats…_

_But, still… Greg’s been more and more distant lately. Even when I told him how excited I was about the job, he just shrugged and said, “So, will we have to move?”_

_Come on! It’s been WEEKS since –_

 

Her thoughts are interrupted by the door opening.

She looks up, and would say something, if she wasn’t so preoccupied with her own private troubles.

“Ah, too handsome for words, eh?” says the man at the door, with a sparkle in his eye. He leans against the doorpost, with his hands in his pockets. “They _do_ say that about me… I don’t know why, but women seem to be drawn to me like flies. Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen any _quite_ like you before, Kyoko.”

 

 _What the hell is this guy doing, calling me by my first name? Sure, I clean up nicely… I mean, I_ have _to. How else am I going to get Greg to pay me any attention?_

_Wait. Focus, Kyoko. You just started a new job, and someone finally showed up after they led you to your office, left you there, and said to “Await further instructions” – as if you’re in some kind of intelligence organization. Might as well hear what he has to say. Anyway, not the worst-looking messenger they could’ve sent…_

 

“How can I help you?” she says, nonchalantly. She bends under her desk, and retrieves the plastic container underneath. “Ah, always nice to enjoy my Baumküchen. Truly, food to nourish the soul. You were saying?”

The man runs his fingers through his hair, stands up straight, and walks over to her desk. Bending over, he puts his face directly in front of hers. “You can feed it to me, if you like.” he says, flashing a devilish smile.

She grabs the cake, turns her back to him in her swivel chair, and begins eating. “No thanks. I assume you have something work-related to tell me?”

He straightens himself. “Playing hard-to-get, I see. Well,” he says, shrugging, “Only makes it more fun for me.” He pulls out his ponytail, and starts tying it back on. “They wanted me to tell you to start working on the sample right away.”

“What sample?” she says, hiding her blushing face behind her computer terminal.

 

_What the hell is wrong with you? You’re a married woman! Sure, Greg’s not exactly the most attentive husband, and it’s nice to be appreciated for once, considering all the effort you put into your appearance…_

 

“Well, this one, of course.” he says, taking a small vial out of his pocket. It contains a weird, egg-white-like substance. “Not that I have any idea what it is...” he says, holding it up to the light with one eye closed. “I guess that’s why they hire brilliant minds like yours. Of course, I’d be lying if I said that was all-”

She grabs the vial out of his hands. “Could you _please_ not treat this so casually? It’s worth more than you are.”

He chuckles, and leaves the office, hands in pockets.

 

_God, Kyoko. I know it’s been a while, but… him? Of all the men in the world… Just forget it. Pull yourself together. After all, you’re ovulating. Maybe tonight, Greg’ll be home early enough…_

 

* * *

 

 

Same day – 4:55 PM

 

Kyoko puts the sample aside. She stands up, ready to leave.

As she’s walking out, she sees the man from earlier waiting in the hall, hands in pockets.

 

“Hey, beautiful. How’s work?” he says, without looking up.

“A lot better if you weren’t here.” she says, annoyed.

 

 _Why the hell is this guy bothering me? Does he have nothing better to do than flirt with uninterested women? Well, not_ completely _uninterested--_

_Stop. Stop. Ovulation. Baby. Husband._

_Phew... All right. Mind back on track; let’s go home._

 

He lifts his head. “It’s usually a lot easier than this.” he muses. He erects himself away from the wall, and places himself directly in front of her. “Something must be troubling you. I can tell. C’mon, babe, you can tell Kaji everything.” he says. “I won’t bite. Well, no guarantees on _that_ front, but...”

 

_Maybe it would be nice for a change, a guy who’ll listen. And that ponytail… I’d certainly love to put my hands in those pockets. Such firm pock--_

_Stop! No! Bad Kyoko!_

‘ _Bad Kyoko’, eh? I like the sound of--_

_That’s it! I’M taking control now._

_You haven’t heard the last of meeeee….._

 

“Shut up. Seriously, this was annoying before, but now it’s harassment. If you don’t stop now, I’ll call HR.” she pushes him aside, and continues down the hallway to the door.

Without moving or looking at her retreating form, he speaks up. “Ohh… _I_ know what your problem is. You’ve already got a guy, don’t you?”

She stops.

“Yeah, and I bet he never pays attention to you. Mhmm. Only plausible explanation for resisting my charms.” He says, with a confident calm. “Well, and lesbianism, but that’s never been proven.”

 

_Those charms… Who in their right mind’d resist those? I could take his ‘charms’ deep into me any day of the-_

_Hey! This is MY body!_

_Outta the way, bitch. This is my body, and soon it won’t just be mine, if you get my drift…_

_Husband! Marriage. Baby… AARGGHHH! Can’t… breathe…_

_Now, eyes on the prize, Kyoko._

 

She turns around to face him, and moves toward him with a powerful sense of purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again! No experience here, so all feedback is welcome. I beg of you, noble sirs/ladies of AO3.
> 
> Prod. notes:
> 
> This was originally supposed to be completely serious, after the crack humor of my last fic. It was also an experiment in use of inner monologue.  
> At least we got the second one right!
> 
> The name of Kyoko's husband, was initially "Adrian", after Reichu's Adrian Langley in her fic "Crying Man" (highly recommended, btw. Practically canon.). However, since my Adrian has a completely different personality, I had to change the name.  
> "Adrian" = Adrian Monk = Dr. House (both solve things and're smart?) = Greg House = Greg.
> 
> Greg. The literal most boring name in the entire world. Eh, whatever. Kinda fits, no?


	2. The Pocketmaster

_Wait! Why is she heading towards me? Don’t tell me you finally broke through her walls, you sexy sexy fellow._

Ryoji Kaji smiles, and opens his arms, ready to embrace Kyoko’s incoming body.

_Now, time to reel her in. Then, maybe I can finally figure out what the hell’s going on around here. Starting with that vial I gave her…_

 

“It’s okay, babe. Just get it all off your chest. All of it, if you know what I mean.” he says, with a wink.

 

She just keeps coming at him, ignoring his words completely.

 

_Oh, shit. That last line might’ve been overkill._

“Hey, I know I’m fine and all, but you could at least _pretend_ to be interested in me for my mind, too.”

 

She doesn’t bat an eyelash, as her legs propel her forward with motorcyclic force.

 

_*CENSORED*! What the hell am I gonna do?_

Kaji jumps to the right like a trained matador, as Dr. Sohryu-Zeppelin crashes into the still-open door.

He looks at her unmoving form.

 

_Oh, shit! She’s dead! Oh no oh no oh no oh no. Now what? It’s not like I can just say “Oh. Well, I was flirting with her, and she got annoyed, and suddenly she charged at me like a bull. So, I got out of the way, and she crashed and I indirectly killed-”_

_No. Not ‘killed’. ‘Saved myself, after which she crashed of her own volition’. Yeah, that works._

_No, it doesn’t. Oh, shit._

He bends over her.

_Well, at least there’s no blood._

He presses his ear against her chest, checking if she’s breathing. He feels a rise, and a fall, and breathes a sigh of relief.

He starts slapping her cheek, shouting, “Wake up! Wake up! You’re still alive, so wake the *CENSORED* up!”

She lays peacefully, with only a light snore.

_It’s no use. Still… might as well._

 

He starts fishing around in her pocket.

_Ahhh… pockets. I do love me some hot pocket action._

His hands close on something. He takes his hand out, and he sees the vial from before. He turns it over in his hand, and watches the egg-white-like substance move through the clear liquid as if in a lava lamp. He muses, “I wonder… what if...”

He gets up, walks a few feet away, and puts down the vial. He then returns to Kyoko’s side, and carefully watches her.

 

Her eyes flutter, and cautiously open. “Wha-- Where am I?” she asks, groggily.

* * *

 

_Yes! Yes! She’s not dead!!!_

_Ok. Now, to business._

“Do you remember anything from the past few hours?” Kaji says, sitting next to her, and looking away.

 

“Umm… well… I remember coming in for my new job, and then some _guy_ started--” she sits bolt upright. “Hey! That was you! What the hell are you doing here? God, you should be arrested for that crap you pulled.” she starts rifling through her pockets. “Where the hell is that pepper spray?” she mutters.

 

_Oh, shit. And here I thought I was safe… Ok. Just focus on the important stuff. That’ll probably be enough to distract her so she won’t go berserk again._

 

He gets up, turns to face her, and nonchalantly puts his hand on her shoulder. “Hold on a second. Before you--”

 

She pushes his arm away. She had apparently found the pepper spray, and begins to fire warning shots to get him into the confined space of her office. Once she sad him cornered, holding the pepper spray with a twitching trigger finger, she speaks to his trembling visage.

“Listen. I don’t know WHAT the hell your plan is, or WHY I woke up on the floor half-naked to see you, of all people. The HELL? Did you drug me or something?” She looks down, and shakes her head from side to side, with a wide grin on her face. “You know, I’ve had a lot of men come after me over the years, but this? This is really something. And, I think, I may have to make an example of you… I’m tired of this crap already. Time to die.”

She lifts her head, and with a wide, toothy grin…. does absolutely nothing.

“Hah!” she laughed, tipping her head back for effect. “How’d that feel, huh? Did you feel vulnerable? Like you were an animal, being sized up before the slaughter?”

 

_My God. She’s gone completely-- wait. She’s verbal, she’s acting intelligently. I guess that berserk state earlier was a one-time thing? Either way, just stay calm, and wait for an opening._

 

“Let me tell you: that’s how it feels. That’s _always_ how it feels. Whenever you, or some other Schweinhund, gets it in his head to mess with me, that’s how it feels. And, when you wake up in various states of undress, with NO recollection of how you got that way, it’s much, _much_ worse.

“Now. I want you to tell me, right now, why I shouldn’t empty this canister into your eyes.”

* * *

 

_Here’s your chance, Kaji. Don’t waste it._

“Ok,” Kaji says, choosing his words _very_ carefully. “Before you say anything, just know, that everything was captured by the security cameras up there.” He indicates the all-knowing Big Brother eyes in the skies above them. “Now, I gave you a vial containing a sample. Do you remember that?”

 

She shakes her head.

 

“Ok. Now, after I gave it to you, you – remember the cameras saw everything, so this can all be verified – started behaving strangely, and finally charged at me like a bull at a steak.”

 

She cocks her head to the side, fingers still held fast to the trigger. “Interesting. Do go on, please.” she says, in a voice a lot less polite than her words would imply.

 

Kaji stops hyperventilating, and takes a deep breath to calm himself. He clears his throat. “Sorry, forgot my inhaler...” he mutters.

“Anyway,” he continues, “not long after I gave you the sample, you started acting strangely. Really strangely. Like, animalistic wordless rage-type strangely.”

He covers his face with his hands in an x-formation, but she just grins. “And?” she says.

He doesn’t move. “Well, through _no fault of my own.._.” he begins, and tells her what happened.

 

“And you woke up after I threw away the vial. It was in your pocket the whole time. I think that’s what did it. So,” he asks, finally regaining his earlier level of confidence, “I need to know what was in that vial. It could’ve had lasting effects on you, or me, and the sooner we know what to do about it, the better.”


	3. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm... I've been watching Shokugeki no Soma. That should explain the content. Enjoy!

“So, what can you tell me?” says Kaji.

  
_Hmm… Should I tell him what I think? That it’s some sort of alien biological substance? Please. He’d never believe that, and he’d assume I was lying. I have more important plans for him, and I can’t have him distracted. So, what do I say?_

Kyoko places the pepper spray back in her pocket, and eyes him quizzically. “It was just a strange coincidence, honestly. My blood sugar tends to run low this time of day, and I haven’t eaten since… lunch? Yesterday, at lunch. You know what they say: You’re not you when you’re hungry.”

Kaji reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a Snickers bar. He puts it in her quivering hands.

_Oh God, it came from his pockets… it’s still warm. So warm, and hard…_

She tears open the wrapping, and puts it between her moist lips, letting the overflowing saliva run all over it. She begins to moan.

“Ohhh… Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, God… I haven’t eaten anything in so long… and this is so good. My God, this is so good. I’ve never had anything like this before. Even Greg… Ohhhh…”

Having swallowed, her moaning continues.

_Holy… Wait, I can’t let this get in my way. I have to… ohhhhh… I have to do this._

With great difficulty, she forces her face out of its ecstatic contortions. Her cheeks are flushed. “Come with me,” she enunciates carefully. “I have something to show you.”

“Well, I don’t think I’ll have any objections,” Kaji winks.

* * *

  
Kyoko opens the door leading out of Gehirn. She clicks a button on her keys, and a red Renault comes up to the entrance.

“Hop in,” she says, opening the passenger door to reveal the luxurious red interior.

“No foolin’?”

_Wow. Her Renault’s even nicer than Katsuragi’s!_

Kyoko beckons him inside. “The seat’s warm for you, waiting.” She runs her hands over the smooth leather, massaging it.

Kaji nods and sits down.

_Man, this feels great! So welcoming… it’s a perfect fit for me._

“Would you like a drink?” Kyoko asks. Already in the driver’s seat, she hits a button which causes the armrest to open, revealing a pair of UCC milk-coffee cans. “I have them imported.

My palate is too discerning for anything but good ol’ UCC!”

_I just bet it is._

“Sure, I’ll take one.”

She pops the lid, letting all the white fizz flow over the top. She licks it off the can. “This is the best part… hope you don’t mind me licking your fizz off.”

“Not at all, babe, not at all.” He takes the can, and accidentally spills it all over the seat.

Kyoko looks at the soaked mess. “Oh, look at it now! It’s all wet, and sticky… And it’s in my hair, too! I’ll have to take a shower now. Hmm… I know a place nearby that has one... and there’s room for two in there~.” She bends over to lick some of the coffee off the seat. “Mmmm...”

_Umm… what? I wonder if she’s really ok yet._

“Hey, Kyoko,” Kaji asks, concerned. “Are you sure everything’s fine with you? With the vial, and all, I mean?”

“Oh, sure. I mean, I have full control of my faculties, and I feel great! What could be better?”

“Don’t you think you’re acting a bit… strange?” He glances at the white coffee in her red hair, which covers her face as she laps up the liquid.

“Strange? Not really… What do you mean?”

_So, she’s always like this? Huh. I mean, not that I’m complaining, but… I guess I’ll go with the flow._

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Forget I asked.”

Kyoko nods.

_Still, something smells fishy. I’ll have to keep my eyes open._


	4. Between the Melons

They pull up to a chain-link fence surrounding a verdant field.

Kyoko pulls the key out of the ignition with a satisfying _clink._ "So, you ready, pocket monster?"

Kaji lifts his eyes. "Kyoko, please. Pokemon hasn't been invented yet. _Stop breaking the fourth wall!_ "

"Hehe, sorry. You too, dear reader."

" _Kyoko...._ "

She giggles, and gets out of the car. "Anyway, Kaji, this is what I wanted to show you. My melon patch." _winks_.

Kaji rolls his eyes and shuts the car door behind him. Kyoko's already at the gate.

"Come on! It'll be dark soon, and we have to do this!"

Kaji looks down at his feet, and sees only his brown hiking boots. "Coming, babe! Good thing I got these treads, eh?" He stands on one foot and raises the other, showing her his sole. "Look at these things! Couldn't say for the life of me what they're called, but I can go pretty much anywhere with them. Helps, when--" He pauses for a second, and laughs heartily. "Anyway, it's like we were fated to come here together, y'know?"

He reaches the gate, while Kyoko tries to stifle a laugh. She grips the handle, and opens it.

"Hey, this place is pretty cool! Is it--"

Kyoko just runs in toward a dirt path, dragging him along. Unfortunately, she drags him through the melons.

"Ahh! Ah! Hey-- this is-- Mfmflmf!!!" He manages this last, but it's inaudible because of all the dirt and melon juice in his mouth.

"Don't worry, Hot Pockets, you'll be all showered soon. I'll rub every last bit of juice out of -- sorry, _off_ of -- you," she winks. "Though, it's a bit disappointing how typically _male_ you are... I bring you here to my private place, and you just start sucking on my melons. What am I going to _do_ with such a childish man like you? Haha... God, I'm good."

* * *

 

"So this is the place!" Kyoko says, throwing open the door marked with the word 'Shower', and a 'Female' symbol. "I think we can get clean here. Well, _clean_ is a bit of a stretch... Speaking of stretches, I've got plenty of room in here. Stretch as much as you want. Just be careful; it's really wet down there." (At this point, just assume every line she says is accompanied by eyelid-destroying winks.)

Kaji looks at the inside of the room. Not bad. There's this weird brown Hessian wall-weave covering everything, which makes him wonder if that would develop a fungal problem due to humidity. Either way, trying not to look at Kyoko's naked body as she undresses, he notices that, yes, the fixtures are quite... attractive. What a weird word, 'attractive'.

The sink is a shiny chrome, looking like it was just polished with the spit of a Dickensian chimney-sweep. The knobs especially; there are two of them, one on each side, hot and cold. As is usual with sinks. But... they look so inviting. For some reason, all he wants to do is just reach out and grab them. They're right here... almost...

Argh. Well, _that_ was weird.

* * *

His eyes start darting involuntarily to her exquisite form. Her exquisite naked showering form. They look at her soft-skinned back, and then return to the sink. They stay at the sink for a while, but then he starts muttering, "Knobs..."

"Kaji~? I'm ready for you." Kyoko begins to sing out from the shower, to the tune of Ode to Joy:

"Kaji, come into the shower,  
Water's hot and so's my *CENSORED*~  
Wash yourself with soapy water,  
Whole body, from back to front!

We don't need a lot of room here,  
Long as I can feel your *CENSORED*~  
We don't ever have to leave here,  
Not as if there is a clock!"

* * *

Kaji's head is now buried in his arms, with audible sobbing, "Why, why why why why why..." He begins to mutter, "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..."

Kyoko keeps humming the tune, and Kaji finally lifts head cautiously. He seems to be suffering from a bit of epilepsy. His eyes run to Kyoko, starting at her calves, and making their way up, past the thighs, until--

He then grabs his head in his hands, and forcibly turns it away. He's now face to faucet with the sink.

He bends over the sink, breathing extremely heavily. His heart is pounding in his ears.

"Oh, no! I dropped the soap! Now I have to bend down," Kyoko giggles. "Oops! Dropped it again. How do I keep doing this?"

Kaji's twin nosebleeds flow like waterfalls from his nostrils, and he turns around and runs toward the shower, and towards Kyoko's exposition.

"Oh, God, I've been waiting," she moans. "Finally! Just be sure to do it nice and _hard_ and--"

_slip_

"Oh, shit. After all this, this is what I get?" Kyoko says, peering over the shower to look at Kaji's bloody, unconscious face, and the huge protrusion on his forehead. She adopts a classic 'thinking' pose. "Then again, he's here. I'm here. Hmmm..."

She leans over him, with her navel on top of his face, and undoes his zipper. "Oh, no... I was worried it wouldn't last. After all, he gave himself too much head."

* * *


	5. Splitting of the Melon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our story ends.

Kaji's motionless head in her lap, Kyoko lifts her head toward the heavens. "Really? _Really?_ I haven't strayed from Greg, not even _once_ , and after suppressing my needs for so long, I finally give in, and look! Look what you did! What, am I destined to be alone forever? Is that what you have planned for me? If that's the case," she cries, "I'm having no part of it!"

She cries for a bit, turning away. Her tears flow down her cheeks like twin showers spurting from her orifices.

She opens her eyes, turns toward her limp lover, and bends down. She gives him a light kiss on the forehead, and is about to walk out the door. But before she leaves, she looks back longingly at Kaji. She feels something inside herself drawing her toward him, inexorably. She sits back down next to him, and whispers into his ear words of love.

"Don't worry... We won't let this stop us. No matter what, you and I will be together, forever. I'll leave Greg... he probably won't even notice I'm gone." She smiles a smile of pure acceptance. Truly, Kyoko's acceptance is the greatest acceptance of all, and none can dream to accept as she does.

"Once you're awake, I'll **** you so hard you'll **** all over my ****, and then I'll use it to ******* you," she says, in a tone of infinite sweetness.

She tilts her head back with a look of ecstasy on her face, letting crimson waves of follicular growth cascade down, covering her neck. Speaking of her neck, it's actually quite amazing it's still attached, bent at this angle. This woman has amazing anatomy... well... _you know what I mean._ Back to our story.

"May as well amuse myself in the meantime..." she gets up, walks over to his pants lying on the bathroom floor, and puts them on, commanding her hands to explore the pockets.

And explore the pockets they do, fulfilling the indomitable will of their owner, fingers probing the side pockets, feeling the soft lint inside. Kyoko removes a piece of lint with the index and middle fingers of her right hand, and pops it into her mouth.

"Mmmm...." she says, chewing it. "Marshmallow."

She sends her phalanges now into the back pockets, where they find a stick-shaped object. Kyoko is confused, but pulls it out, and eyes it with a look of pure happiness, a look of animalistic contentment with finally having found what she's wanted all this time.

"What is this, I wonder?" she muses, looking at the cylinder. She fishes around in the back pockets some more, and finds a plastic wrapper marked, "Pocky".

"Hehehe..." she chuckles, removing Kaji's pants from her hips.

* * *

Kaji slowly opens his eyes. The tile floor is only barely visible, most of his field of vision being covered in the haze of semi-consciousness.

"K-Kyoko?" he calls out weakly. "You there?"

"Huh," he says, touching the sensitive protrusion on his forehead, "How did I get this? More importantly, why is it so small?"

He eyes the still-running shower, and the water that's currently about 5 cm. high around him.

"Ah. Shrinkage," he says, and breathes a sigh of relief.

He closes his eyes, massaging his temples.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Again! No experience here, so all feedback is welcome. I beg of you, noble sirs/ladies of AO3.


End file.
